Bit of Fun

How To Deal With Calls About Accidents That Weren’t Your Fault

I’ve had 3 calls today alone from very concerned people. All were wanting to speak to me about car accidents that I had been in, that were not my fault. Awful, awful accidents. Just terrible. Each caller were desperate to help me, and I am assuming, trying to put cash into my (rather empty) bank account.

Here are the transcripts for each call. Enjoy!

Phone Call #1

Caller- *Asian accent* Hello.

Me- Hello… Hello… *fuzzy line*

Caller- Hello Madam, I would like to talk to you about a recent car accident that you have been involved in that wasn’t your fault.

Me- Oh Shit!!! It must have been such an awful accident! I must have concussion. I do not remember such an accident. Did I DIE?!

Caller- *Awkward silent. Line goes dead*

Phone Call #2

Caller- *Young British male. Balls possibly dropped just 1 week ago* Hello, is this Miss Parker

Me- Errrrm. Kinda.

Caller- I have information on my computer that you were in a car accident recently.

Me- Oh yeah, it was terrible.

Caller- Yes, so our records say. Could you tell me a little more about this accident?

Me- *Very enthusiastically* Why yes, dear Sir! One day when I came home at lunchtime I heard a funny noise,
Went out into my back garden to find out if it was one of those rowdy boys,
Stood there was my neighbour called Peter and a flux capacitor!
He told me he’d built a time machine like one in a film I’ve seen.
He told me how he had been to the year 3000.
Not much has changed but they lived underwater. And your great, great, great-granddaughter is pretty fine.

Caller- *Long exhale* My granddaughter?

Me- Yup. I got into the flux capacitor and he crashed the bloody thing into my Penny Far2thing.

Caller- *hangs up*

Personally I think this is one of my greatest calls. I am rather proud of myself.

Phone Call #3

Caller- Good afternoon.

Me- It is rather splendid. *pissed off voice* What do you want?

Caller- I am calling you today over an accident that wasn’t your fault.

Me- FINALLY!! I have been waiting for this call for so long! Thank you for taking the time to call me today, during your very busy schedule.

Caller- *very happy and obvz thinks he is onto a winner!* You are very welcome madam.

Me- So, I was riding my horse across the American plains, and this Red Indian sprang out of nowhere! He tripped my horse up, and I fell off bashing my head. It was horrific! *starts to weep*

Caller- A Red Indian?

Me- *still weeping* Yup, he had feathers in his headband and everything. He told me is name was Tonto. Then everything went fuzzy. I woke up this morning, in a strange bed and 4 rugrats running around. I am assuming I time travelled and I have a pretty awful concussion. I think I have a husband too. He is rather ugly.

Caller- Fuck you. *line goes dead*


So, have you any funny ways of dealing with these spammy twats? My nan used to pretend that she was deaf. Or a member of the Russian mafia.  Both worked quite well.




Hazel Newhouse

Hazel is a mum to 3 daughters and a son, she lives in Bedfordshire with her husband, kids and pets. Hazel has written for various publications, and regularly works alongside popular parenting and gardening brands.

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