At one time or another, every man will be faced with the unpleasant and quite frankly terrifying task of shopping for a woman. If the job can’t be delegated, you must enter the fray yourself, brave warrior. But be warned, to go in alone and unarmed is a renegade move. Take heed of the following.
Get in, get out
If you’re already at the panicked stage of seeking internet help, it’s likely that this particular ship has already set sail. But keep an ear close to the ground at all times for even the most innocuous comment she might make about coveted items. And then do what all men do – record data in a spreadsheet. You sir, are now locked and loaded for all future skirmishes.
If possible, enter enemy territory, whether that be her home, her bedroom and yes, even her wardrobe. You’re looking for sizes, brands she likes, items she’s running low on, colours, anything that might give you that vital inside edge. Remember, a calculated clothing or accessories purchase might get you through on effort alone.
Stalk her friends
If the recon mission failed, you have no choice but to cross enemy lines and open up communications with her nearest and dearest. Make small talk, circle for ideas and information, but never reveal your desperation. Double agents are everywhere, just waiting for a slip up.
If all else fails, think laterally
If by now the answer hasn’t yet revealed itself, you’ve entered endgame my friend and are one step closer to those apologetic petrol station flowers. But fear not, one tried and tested solution remains. The formula is as follows:
1. Think of any special moment you’ve shared together.
2. Think of any object that could be described as a symbol of that moment.
3. Buy said item (however irrelevant) and hope the explanation carries you through. Padding with chocolates and flowers is advisable.
Items to avoid
Finally, a list of items to never, ever be contemplated, unless specifically requested:
Household appliances (interpreted as: pull your weight)
Health and fitness equipment (interpreted as: lose some weight)
A razor (interpreted as: please shave)
Deodorant (perfume says ‘this smells nice’. Deodorant says ‘you smell’)
Anything that might look like a ring but isn’t a ring (the eternal letdown)
Best of luck comrade.
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