Bit of Fun

The Nine Circles of Sex

OK, I may not be on the same smart-ass level as Dante here or his epic poem Dante’s Inferno and the nine circles of hell. But things are getting close. For anyone with a child, I feel like we can all relate to the 9 circles of suffering when it comes to sex.

  1. Limbo

The first circle of sex for parents is Limbo. You are stuck in a foggy haze of being so over tired you could puke, and finding your partner irresistible as he comes through the front door from work in his smartest suit. Of course the irresistible feeling comes at the worst time imaginable. Normally when you are covered in leaky boob juice and you’re sporting vomit down your back.  Do you throw the kids at him and go for a bath or seize the moment thanking yourself for not letting the sprogs take a day time nap and call it an early night for all of you?

2. Lust

A strong sexual desire. But you can’t have him. Why? Because he is currently trying to get that annoying 15 month old off to sleep. He’s been trying for the last half hour, and it will probably take another half hour more. By the time he climbs into bed you will either have fallen asleep or ended up hoovering or some shit.

3. Gluttony

You’ve spent the last hour convincing your 2 year old to eat their damn dinner. Now the kids are asleep you want to indulge in some kinky food play. Trouble is, there’s only soggy rice cakes and Pombears in the pantry. No tantalising fruit, and certainly no chocolate sauce. Bloody kids polished that off earlier this week. You’ll just have to made do with toast.

4. Greed

He wants a full hour, you’d be happy with just 3 minutes. Fact of mum-life.

5. Wrath

Extreme anger. That feeling you get when your kid has been asleep for an hour, you and your partner are just getting it on, the heat is up … and you hear either a baby cry or your toddler asking for a glass of water. Yeah, that’s wrath.

6. Heresy

Ok, I can’t think of one to go with this. Other than maybe calling your child the spawn of Satan as soon as the above occurs.

7. Violence

Something which all parents consider using when you have managed to have a bath, get half way through your copy of the next 50 Shades rip-off book from ASDA (and don’t pretend you havn’t purchased it) and your husband starts snoring. There’s no way he’s waking up now.

8. Fraud

Pretending to be a confident sex-kitten when really you are worried about your boobs leaking during coitus and your muffin tops swallowing that sexy underwear (especially if you normally just wear gigantic knickers to hold the rolls in). Ladies, you may have stretch marks and muffin tops, but you are certainly no fraud. You ARE a sex-kitten.

9. Treachery

You promised the kids you would bring them one more cup of water, but really you just left them so long they fell asleep from the boredom of waiting. But hey, now they are asleep you can get your hands on your husband. Or just fall asleep from exhaustion from it all. What was the last night we spent child free? Oh the night before we conceived our first born 5 years ago, that’s right.

Where are your knickers young lady?!



Hazel Newhouse

Hazel is a mum to 3 daughters and a son, she lives in Bedfordshire with her husband, kids and pets. Hazel has written for various publications, and regularly works alongside popular parenting and gardening brands.

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