Birth

“You Had That Baby Yet?” And Other Things I hear At The School Gates

I’m ‘over-due’, a phase I use loosely. 5 days ‘over-due’ and things are starting to get a little crap. Not so much with the pregnancy but the public property my cervix has become.

Did you know that a pregnancy is considered term from anywhere between 37 weeks and 42 weeks gestation? That’s a whole 5 weeks a baby could arrive… at any time. I wouldn’t really say a baby is actually ‘over-due’ until a day past 42 weeks. So, considering that I have been asked if I have “had that baby yet?” several times a day for the last 3 weeks, I am pleasantly surprised I have not fully lost my shit with someone. I have been close.

At first it was funny, seeing the school gate mums become excited for our newest arrival. “Have you had that baby yet?” they would say with humour, rubbing my bump (what is with that?!). Each day, more people would ask. I realised this is what it must feel like to be popular… you know, to be one of the kids in school who was always surrounded by people who actually gave a damn about them. During school I was the goth kid who people just met at the park for a fag and to listen to Slipknot with. TBF not much changed, well into my 20’s.

Oh to be popular…

So, now I am ‘over-due’, I have genuinely started to fear the school run. With days of prodromal labour coming and going, news has gotten around that I am close to delivery. Why oh why did I ever tell them my due date in the first place?

What NOT to say to the Beached Whale on the school run…

Anyways… here are my internal answers to the most common things said to a heavily pregnant mother (me) at the school gates.

Warning- It’s not pretty. And I do not mean to offend my buddies who care for myself, my baby and my reproductive organs. Thank you ladies, for caring. Even if you are starting to get annoying AF.

“You had that baby yet?” Look at the fucking size of me Laura. Does it look like I’ve had this baby? No. It’s just gas. And pizza. And wine.

“Have you tried having sex?” Well Hell! Just rolling over in bed is horrific, let alone doing-the-deed. Shagging resembles Jabba The Hutt self exploring a new Karma Sutra mag, and that was BEFORE I hit the 40 weeks mark. Also, look at my husbands face. Look how tired he looks. He is knackered and not enjoying it.

Yes, this is a thing. Source: http://www.drunkmall.com/sex-sells/

“You look so tired.” Oh thanks Sophie. Thanks for making it obvious that I painfully get up to pee 3x in the night, That I am dragging around an extra 10 stones of weight (between my thighs) and that I already have 3 kids to run around after. Oh did I mention I am also exhausted from all of the sex that people have been demanding that I have!?

“Won’t be long now.” Noooooooooo just potentially another 2 weeks. 2 weeks of fearing to sneeze and another 2 weeks of listening to this shit DAILY.

“Go home and scrub the floor.” Hey Mandy, why don’t you come back to mine and scrub the floor or me? You obviously care so much for my household cleanliness. Oh, you mean to help get the baby out? Well gee, getting my ‘Jabba The Hut Karma Sutra’ self down on the floor sounds like great fun. I’d rather be pregnant forever, thanks.

*Looks at me with pitty/disappointment* *I return the look, over your dire fashion choices. Those are slippers. Not fashion.*

“The Chemist down the road sells Castor Oil to pregnant women.” What a splendid idea, let’s give myself a disgusting bout of diarrhoea that could potentially harm my baby by causing it to poop inside of me and inhale its own faeces, thus putting us both in hospital for longer than necessary. I think I’ll pass. Oh it worked for you, that’s great. I’ll still pass.

And my ultimate favourite-

“Where’s that baby?!” OH FUCK!!! I knew I left something at home this morning!!!! Silly me. bitch.

 

Hazel Newhouse

Hazel is a mum to 3 daughters and a son, she lives in Bedfordshire with her husband, kids and pets. Hazel has written for various publications, and regularly works alongside popular parenting and gardening brands.

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